Lifestyle

Good grief, now everything we do is supposedly bad for us

Alcohol consumption always seems to be a funny subject to discuss, and maybe a throwback to the days of slapstick.
Alcohol consumption always seems to be a funny subject to discuss, and maybe a throwback to the days of slapstick. Contributed

HEALTH authorities have issued a stern warning that pretty much everything human beings do and eat is probably bad for them.

But they have urged people not to worry too much about this because the stress of worrying will kill them prematurely.

Human science researcher Dr Harn Doomsayer said, while he encouraged people to eat low-fat food, he equally discouraged the eating of these foods.

"Low-fat food is good for your body but inevitably it is full of sugar, sodium and some of those ingredients with long names that don't sound too good," he said.

"Sugar and sodium will kill you, as will fat."

Dr Doomsayer said he mostly recommended that people stick to natural products, like fruit.

"I would, however, discourage the consumption of fruit because it is full of sugar that will rot your teeth and possibly kill you," he said.

"Vegetables are mostly good for you but by the time they are cooked or turned into frozen meals they pretty much have no nutrients left. On top of that they taste foul and cause you to be depressed. This is very bad for you."

Dr Doomsayer said it was universally accepted that wholemeal and grains were good for you.

"Of course they are also sprayed with lots of chemicals so you should only eat grains that have not been grown on a farm," he said.

"This narrows it down to pretty much a choice of none.

"I certainly would encourage people to drink lots of fresh water. But keep in mind that the only really fresh water comes from mountain streams above the snow level. Most other water, including bottled water, is full of bacteria and chemicals that will probably kill you."

Dr Doomsayer said medical studies had shown that moderate consumption of alcohol was good for your heart.

"Unfortunately it destroys your liver and increases your chances of having a terrible accident," he said.

"Exercise is also good for you, unless you actually move. Moving increases your risk of serious injury and skin damage from sun exposure."

 

Alcohol Consumption

For reasons that are hard to explain, people always find the discussion of alcohol consumption to be very funny.

Almost any reference to alcohol in any social situation will produce laughter.

If you are at a conference and anyone makes reference to drinking too much, you can guarantee a laugh.

If you are having a morning meeting and you make reference to someone having "a few too many" the night before, that is also a guaranteed laugh.

If you mention dealing with any social problem with alcohol, that is also funny. Mention that someone "likes a drink" and there will be laughs all-round.

The alcohol-laughter nexus appears to be a link between the golden age of slapstick comedy and the fact that people who have consumed too much alcohol tend to stagger and fall over a lot.

People who have drunk too much also slur their speech and give their bosses an impromptu performance review.

This is always funny until somebody loses their job.

But this also becomes funny after a respectful lapse of time.

 

Thirsty Cow is fiction. No comments or information in this column is accurate, or even literate.

 

>> To read more lifestyle stories

Topics:  alcohol, diet, health, humour, lifestyle, thirsty cow




Join the Community.

Get your local news, your way.

Stay Connected

Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.

10 things to remember when you move out of a rental property

Here are some useful tips for people moving out of rental properties

Warwick vet pleads 'stop risking our lives'

IMMUNITY BOOST: Warwick vet Chris Reardon welcomed the extension of the hendra virus vaccine to 12 months after three doses following extensive lab testing (pictured with Member for Maranoa Bruce Scott).

Vets welcome hendra vaccine extension

Local choice protects pigs

PASSION FOR PORK: Free range Tamworth pigs are doing well on Belinda Marriage’s Karara property.

Karara producer gives insight on the pork industry.

Latest deals and offers


She’ll be apples in Stanthorpe as festival kicks off

Jonathan Apple, festival president John Thouard, former Young Ambassadors Miriam Spina and Taylah Wantling and Isabella Grape welcomed the start of the 2016 Festival.

It’s a great start for the 10 days of festival ahead'

How you can help save young woman's life

Maryvale woman Tracey Young is battling Atypical hemolytic-uremic syndrome (aHUS), with her treatment costing $500,000 per year.

Auction to raise money for local with debalitating illness

Waleed Aly explains

Waleed Aly in a scene from the 2015 Melbourne Comedy Festival Debate. Supplied by Channel 10. Please credit photo to Jim Lee.

Project host Waleed Aly explains how price cuts will make dairy farming...

Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling in Trouble

Stars get a dressing down from Producer Joel Silver about promoting their latest film.

Stars in trouble with Producer Joel Silver over promoting their new film.

Egypt Air flight missing

Egypt Air says Flight 804 bound for Cairo from Paris has disappeared from radar...

Sale nears on last large block of land in Coolum

The 43.37ha property on South Coolum Rd has sold.

South Coolum Rd property to be land banked

Caloundra’s former Centrepoint Buffet site up for sale

FOR SALE: The home of the old Centrepoint Buffet

Restaurant fined for unhygienic practices closed months ago