Lifestyle

Good grief, now everything we do is supposedly bad for us

Alcohol consumption always seems to be a funny subject to discuss, and maybe a throwback to the days of slapstick.
Alcohol consumption always seems to be a funny subject to discuss, and maybe a throwback to the days of slapstick. Contributed

HEALTH authorities have issued a stern warning that pretty much everything human beings do and eat is probably bad for them.

But they have urged people not to worry too much about this because the stress of worrying will kill them prematurely.

Human science researcher Dr Harn Doomsayer said, while he encouraged people to eat low-fat food, he equally discouraged the eating of these foods.

"Low-fat food is good for your body but inevitably it is full of sugar, sodium and some of those ingredients with long names that don't sound too good," he said.

"Sugar and sodium will kill you, as will fat."

Dr Doomsayer said he mostly recommended that people stick to natural products, like fruit.

"I would, however, discourage the consumption of fruit because it is full of sugar that will rot your teeth and possibly kill you," he said.

"Vegetables are mostly good for you but by the time they are cooked or turned into frozen meals they pretty much have no nutrients left. On top of that they taste foul and cause you to be depressed. This is very bad for you."

Dr Doomsayer said it was universally accepted that wholemeal and grains were good for you.

"Of course they are also sprayed with lots of chemicals so you should only eat grains that have not been grown on a farm," he said.

"This narrows it down to pretty much a choice of none.

"I certainly would encourage people to drink lots of fresh water. But keep in mind that the only really fresh water comes from mountain streams above the snow level. Most other water, including bottled water, is full of bacteria and chemicals that will probably kill you."

Dr Doomsayer said medical studies had shown that moderate consumption of alcohol was good for your heart.

"Unfortunately it destroys your liver and increases your chances of having a terrible accident," he said.

"Exercise is also good for you, unless you actually move. Moving increases your risk of serious injury and skin damage from sun exposure."

 

Alcohol Consumption

For reasons that are hard to explain, people always find the discussion of alcohol consumption to be very funny.

Almost any reference to alcohol in any social situation will produce laughter.

If you are at a conference and anyone makes reference to drinking too much, you can guarantee a laugh.

If you are having a morning meeting and you make reference to someone having "a few too many" the night before, that is also a guaranteed laugh.

If you mention dealing with any social problem with alcohol, that is also funny. Mention that someone "likes a drink" and there will be laughs all-round.

The alcohol-laughter nexus appears to be a link between the golden age of slapstick comedy and the fact that people who have consumed too much alcohol tend to stagger and fall over a lot.

People who have drunk too much also slur their speech and give their bosses an impromptu performance review.

This is always funny until somebody loses their job.

But this also becomes funny after a respectful lapse of time.

 

Thirsty Cow is fiction. No comments or information in this column is accurate, or even literate.

 

>> To read more lifestyle stories

Topics:  alcohol, diet, health, humour, lifestyle, thirsty cow



Fight breaks out at Rose City Shoppingworld

Police were called just after 1pm.

A MAN has been charged after allegedly causing a ruckus

Extra backpacker beds for Stanthorpe

View of the Stanthorpe CBD from Mount Marley.

Stanthorpe will see a boost to accommodation for seasonal workers

Storms are coming! What it means for your long weekend

Yes, it's going to affect your long weekend

Local Partners

9000 reasons to support our community clubs

Community clubs are good at what they do. They are not so good at telling the world about what they do, as Clubs Queensland CEO Doug Flockhart explains.


Homer Simpson thanks Australia during Opera House visit

Homer Simpson visits the Sydney Opera House.

ANIMATION favourite gets attacked by seagulls in viral video.

Channel 9 orders second season of Doctor Doctor

Rodger Corser stars in the TV series Doctor Doctor.

RURAL medical drama finds a loyal following.

Katy Perry gets naked to encourage people to vote

Katy Perry in Funny Or Die sketch

Katy Perry has stripped naked for a comedy video

Jogging Tom Hanks crashes wedding in Central Park

Tom Hanks stopped for a selfie with this bride and groom

MOVIE REVIEW: Storks delivers family fun

A scene from the movie Storks.

ANIMATION can be hit or miss but when it hits, it hits hard.

Nick 'the snake' to call the shots on Survivor jury

Australian Survivor contestant Nick Iadanza.

LATEST evictee is out of the game but will still have a say.

$40million hotel, shops development project for Mackay

Mt Pleasant hotel and retirement accommodation, proposed at 194-202 Malcomson St.

$40m development to take Mackay to 'the next level'

Rural properties expected to soar as investors seek income

Rural properties are should become highly sought after

Property 200m from ocean selling for just over $100K

BEACHCOMBER PARK: Work has started on a new $19.2 million development at Toogoom.

The estate's developer is offering huge discounts for early buyers.

UPDATE: Former rodeo champ's sale rained out, now back on

Larkhill local Ken Consiglio is having an auction of most of the things on his property.

'People kept showing up and we had to turn them away'

First stages of $25 million housing development underway

New development on Madsen Rd - The Springs.

The blocks of land are much bigger than usual

Couple build their own 'tiny house' for $45k

Holly Bowen and Oli Bucher built their "tiny house" themselves, only hiring a plumber and an electrician. Photo/supplied

The house, which is built on a trailer and can be towed.