HEALTH authorities have issued a stern warning that pretty much everything human beings do and eat is probably bad for them.
But they have urged people not to worry too much about this because the stress of worrying will kill them prematurely.
Human science researcher Dr Harn Doomsayer said, while he encouraged people to eat low-fat food, he equally discouraged the eating of these foods.
"Low-fat food is good for your body but inevitably it is full of sugar, sodium and some of those ingredients with long names that don't sound too good," he said.
"Sugar and sodium will kill you, as will fat."
Dr Doomsayer said he mostly recommended that people stick to natural products, like fruit.
"I would, however, discourage the consumption of fruit because it is full of sugar that will rot your teeth and possibly kill you," he said.
"Vegetables are mostly good for you but by the time they are cooked or turned into frozen meals they pretty much have no nutrients left. On top of that they taste foul and cause you to be depressed. This is very bad for you."
Dr Doomsayer said it was universally accepted that wholemeal and grains were good for you.
"Of course they are also sprayed with lots of chemicals so you should only eat grains that have not been grown on a farm," he said.
"This narrows it down to pretty much a choice of none.
"I certainly would encourage people to drink lots of fresh water. But keep in mind that the only really fresh water comes from mountain streams above the snow level. Most other water, including bottled water, is full of bacteria and chemicals that will probably kill you."
Dr Doomsayer said medical studies had shown that moderate consumption of alcohol was good for your heart.
"Unfortunately it destroys your liver and increases your chances of having a terrible accident," he said.
"Exercise is also good for you, unless you actually move. Moving increases your risk of serious injury and skin damage from sun exposure."
For reasons that are hard to explain, people always find the discussion of alcohol consumption to be very funny.
Almost any reference to alcohol in any social situation will produce laughter.
If you are at a conference and anyone makes reference to drinking too much, you can guarantee a laugh.
If you are having a morning meeting and you make reference to someone having "a few too many" the night before, that is also a guaranteed laugh.
If you mention dealing with any social problem with alcohol, that is also funny. Mention that someone "likes a drink" and there will be laughs all-round.
The alcohol-laughter nexus appears to be a link between the golden age of slapstick comedy and the fact that people who have consumed too much alcohol tend to stagger and fall over a lot.
People who have drunk too much also slur their speech and give their bosses an impromptu performance review.
This is always funny until somebody loses their job.
But this also becomes funny after a respectful lapse of time.
Thirsty Cow is fiction. No comments or information in this column is accurate, or even literate.