Queensland savages MPs

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

VOTERS in Queensland have savaged their incumbent Labor Government, reducing it to minor party status and filling the Parliament with hundreds of unknown Liberal debutants.

Chief Debutant is new LNP Premier Campbell "Can Doodiliy Do" Newmanic who led the party without a seat in the actual Parliament and ended up running the state. Other candidates were recruited from supermarket checkouts, deli counters and street corners.

Mr Newmanic said he fully intended to let the magnitude of his win go to his head. "Frankly I'll be full of myself for quite a while," he admitted. "I'll do my best not to look smug but I'm sure people will see through that."

The new government began its term by sacking most of the public service and replacing them with party operatives, friends, relatives and circus performers.

The partner of the former premier, who runs one of the state departments, survived the purge but was ordered to completely dismantle his department. "I figure he might as well do that before we move him on," Mr Newmanic said. "This will keep me fairly amused."

Former party leader Lawrence Cyborg has been given the disastrous Health portfolio, ensuring there is no chance of the former leader resurrecting his career.

Parliamentary insiders are struggling to break in so many new members. "For some it is their first visit to the big city and a few are fairly excited about seeing the ocean," one official offered.

"Some of them are pretty confused because they never actually expected to win. One of them has put on a suit for the first time since 1974 and, sadly, he has filled out a bit since then. I fear the whole thing will just explode in a mess of rayon and buttons."

Labor was decimated at the poll after it ran on a platform of "We are going to get walloped but please somebody vote for us so we don't get walloped quite so bad." This was generally considered an inadequate platform on which to base the state's future.

Labor also attacked Mr Newmanic's credibility claiming he had people supporting him who were actually donating to his campaign. He was cleared of any wrongdoing after investigators decided this was normal.

He was also cleared of overzealous public displays of affection with his wife after this was also found to be fairly normal, although a little creepy.

The Labor six-pack that remains in Parliament will be led by Anastasia Palzerkerizkeratzic who vowed to be a strong Labor voice by "yelling really loud" across the chamber.

The new Bob Hatter Party also won a couple of seats but the party was last seen wandering aimlessly through the streets shooting bats and selling T-shirts.

Thirsty Cow is fiction. It has no relationship with real life.

Topics:  opinion political satire thirsty cow

Five places hiring in Warwick right now

Imagine working with an enthusiastic and dedicated team, offering a fantastic service to a range of guests in a secluded mountain retreat with breathtaking panoramic views...

Jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs.

Dancers wow judges at Warwick High Talent Quest

MAJOR TALENT: Warwick High talent quest winners (back from left) Jazzie S, Georga T, (front) Tysharna W and Alexis C strike a pose.

Meet the winners of the Warwick High Talent Quest

Drug dealing taxi driver walks from court

Julie Margaret Donovan pleaded guilty to three counts of supplying dangerous drugs after she took two undercover police to drug dealer's homes.

She pleaded guilty to three counts of supplying a dangerous drug.

Local Partners

Australia Day Award nominations now open

ALL those who know someone who has made an outstanding contribution to the Warwick community is encouraged to nominate them for an Australia Day Award.

13 things to do on the Southern Downs this weekend

Darcy Meek (left) is the early leader in parkrun on Saturday before being first man home.

Photo Gerard Walsh / Warwick Daily News

Here's a list of 13 things to do this weekend.

Boot Scootin' charity event kicks out the Black Dog

COMMUNITY EFFORT: Musician Jared Porter has come on board to perform at Bubbles Barbierato's Boot Scootin' Black Dog Charity Auction on Monday night.

Boot Scootin' Black Dog Charity Auction to kick off Rodeo Week.

Warwick swimming carnival attracts 163 competitors

Ella Briggs in backstroke at the Warwick Swimming Club championships last season. She will compete on Sunday.

Warwick carnival attracts 163 swimmers

Selma Blair blames flight outburst on 'psychotic blackout'

Selma Blair

"I am someone who should never drink, and I rarely do"

Bob Dylan acknowledges Nobel Prize win

Bob Dylan has finally acknowledged his Nobel Prize win

WATCH: Trailer for Jackman's final Wolverine film released

First trailer for the last Wolverine film with Hugh Jackman.

Thrilling trailer promises a dark, dystopian finale for Wolverine

CCTV footage surfaces of Kim Kardashian West's robbers

The blurry footage shows three men on bikes and two on foot

Cathriona White's mother claims to have Jim Carrey's results

Jim Carrey and late ex-girlfriend Cathriona White

SHE claims Carrey exposed White to herpes, chlamydia, Hepatitis A

The Koi Boys are back with more covers and original songs

Former Voice contestants The Koi Boys have signed with Universal Music.

THE Voice favourites release their debut album today.

New $200 million development will create 580 jobs

Cassie And Josh with baby Alfie and daughter Andee. They have bought at new Lennox Head development Epiq.

Majority of new positions will be given to Northern Rivers locals

Cherrabah's mega resort plans axed

PLANS for a massive development at Cherrabah have been scrapped.

What our mayor thinks of the new draft SEQPlan

The plan to use the innovative technology as part of the new Maroochydore CBD was cemented on site today when Mayor Mark Jamieson and Envac Asia Region president Chun Yong Ha formally signed the contract for the $20 million underground waste collection system.

New plan accommodates Sunshine Coast Council's vision for growth.

Dusit Thani finance crisis 'just a small hiccup'

ON TRACK: Springfield Land Chairman, Maha Sinnathamby, Ipswich Mayor Paul Pisasale, Developer Richard Turner and Springfield Land Deputy Chairman, Bob Sharpless, at the recent resort sod turning ceremony.

Property developer says project remains firmly on track

Heavyweight enters real estate market

Des Besanko principal and director of Raine and Horne Springfield.

Major rebranding which has seen two big name brands merge

SEQ is the 'greatest market': property guru John McGrath

SPEAKER: John McGrath of McGrath Estate Agents is today's guest speaker at the Better Business Breakfast.

SEQ is the "greatest" real estate market, says property guru.