Lifestyle

Refugee 'victory' all at sea

THE Federal Government has declared victory in the war on asylum seekers after finding an excuse to lock them up somewhere else.

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said the issue could now be considered closed after a committee recommended that budding refugees be locked up at Nauru and Papua New Guinea instead of the Australian desert.

"I have been looking for a way to back down on my opposition to Nauru and now I have found it," she said. "I don't consider this a political loss but a victory for ordinary Australians who don't want a country full of foreigners."

Opposition Leader Tony Abshot said he planned to look smug for at least three days after the government backed down on its opposition to Nauru.

"I'm so chuffed that I might personally travel to Nauru and lock these people up," he said.

"Once again we can be seen on the world stage as a kick-arse country that refuses to let oppressed people take advantage of our generosity.

"We may not win many gold medals any more but by gosh we can still detain people who arrive on boats."

Ms Gizzard said children would not be detained if they could prove they were children.

She said genuine refugees had nothing to fear from the new policy except being locked up for a year and possibly going insane.

"We can certainly guarantee that we won't make them endure anything much worse than they had to put up with in their home countries," she said.

"And hopefully the children will learn valuable lessons about not getting into boats with strangers."

The Prime Minister earlier was forced to back down on sending asylum seekers to Malaysia after it was revealed that the country had not signed a piece of paper from the United Nations.

She said the new policy would be backed up by a YouTube video telling refugees what a terrible country Australia could be.

"We are hoping this might deter them," she said.

"Of course we are hoping it won't deter tourists. Naturally we will continue to welcome people with actual money prepared to buy souvenir koalas and fake boomerangs."

The government would also initiate talks with Indonesia to create laws insisting that people-smuggling boats be painted olive green and marked with stark warnings, including pictures of Tony Abshot wearing Speedos and holding the key to a detention centre at Nauru.

The Greens said the policy would result in deaths and more human misery. But everybody ignores the Greens.

Thirsty Cow is fiction.

 

>> To read more lifestyle stories

Topics:  australian government, humour, lifestyle, opinion, refugees, thirsty cow




Crowds gather for Jumpers and Jazz Festival

QUICK YARN: Sue Jacobsen, Karina Devine and Loretta Grayson take five minutes out of their hectic Jumpers and Jazz schedule for a chat.

There is still plenty to do for the remainder of the festival

Man injured in bike accident on property east of Warwick

Ambulance generic

Motor bike rider sustains injury in accident on property

WATCH: Killarney Bonfire Night fires up

The bonfire at Killarney Bonfire Night

Let me stand next to your fire - Killarney Bonfire Night

Latest deals and offers


Get out this weekend on a budget

Tree jumper artwork

Here is your go to guide for getting out this weekend on a budget

Reno stars want tradies to focus a little more on one thing

The Demmrichs want Tradies to look after their most important tool

Day 2 Splendour Pictures

Sticky Fingers perform at Splendour in the Grass 2016. Photo Marc Stapelberg / The Northern Star

Splendour in the Grass Day 2 covered in pictures.

WATCH: News reader tries her hand at hardcore shooter, Doom

Veteran journo and noob gamer takes a shot at Doom

What's on the small screen this week

MasterChef Australia's final four contestants, from left, Harry Foster, Elena Duggan, Elise Franciskovic and Matt Sinclair.

MASTERCHEF makes way for The Bachelor on Ten's reality TV slate.

Guy Sebastian a hit at Splendour in the Grass

Guy Sebastian performs at Splendour in the Grass with Paces.

REALITY TV judge a hit with festival crowd.

Superheroes of the big screen enjoy sounds of Splendour

CHRIS Hemsworth and his Avengers mates drop by Byron festival.

You can own this Queensland town for just $1

Yelarbon

Unprecedented auction of town's business centre with no reserve

Work starts on $15M Caloundra apartment building

Turning the first sod at the Aqua View Apartments site in Kings Beach are (from left) husband-and-wife developers Alex Yuan and Stella Sun with construction company Tomkins director Mike Tomkins and Councillor Tim Dwyer.

Developers excited about addition to Kings Beach skyline

72-year-old Coast developer set to start new project

GREEN LIGHT: The Cosmopolitan has been approved for development at Cotton Tree.

Meet the Canberran set to deliver another chapter for Coast suburb

Plans revealed for 1500-lot 'master-planned community'

Precinct will be bounded by Boundary St and Shoesmith Rd

Ecco Ripley sales run sparks prime release

MOVING IN: Sekisui House has announced the release of more residential blocks at Ecco Ripley.

Sekisui House is preparing to unveil more land at Ecco Ripley

The climb is slow but property on the way up

Michael Matusik, director of Matusik Property Insights.Photo Allan Reinikka / The Morning Bulletin

The improvement would be mild when compared to past cycles