World car park crisis looms

WORLD leaders will meet for a special summit next year to discuss urgent measures to deal with a growing global shortage of car parking spaces.

United Nationals special envoy on parking spots Joseph Torque said the world was consuming car parking spaces at an unsustainable rate and action was needed immediately to avoid an international traffic jam.

"Governments and local councils are increasingly removing these spaces to create clearways, loading zones and just to annoy motorists," Dr Torque said.

"No-parking zones are growing at an alarming rate and eventually we fear there will be nowhere to park. People will just leave their garages, drive in circles, and end up back at their garages."

Dr Torque said to deal with the lack of parking, significant research was being done into mid-trip refuelling through mobile tankers and totally drive-through shopping that did not require cars to park.

He said social research showed that finding a parking spot in an urban area was one of the great human aspirations.

"This is because the parking spot equation almost never adds up," he said.

"It is like a game of musical chairs. There are nearly always one or two less spaces at every venue compared to the number of cars looking for them. To succeed you need to be quicker and smarter than the other cars, and react very quickly when the music stops."

Sometimes finding a parking spot involves stalking people who appear to be walking back to their parked vehicles.

People being stalked in this way always walk slower and take forever to leave the car park.

This is generally because they are total bastards.

Despite the importance of regular exercise, most drivers will try to cram their cars into an impossibly small space before they will walk more than 100m from the vehicle to a venue.

They consider it their birthright to have a close car park and will go to any length to redeem it.

Getting a car into a small parking space generally requires a manoeuvre called the reverse park.

The reverse park is generally perfected by teenagers when they first get their licence and is avoided for all the driving years that follow.

This is because it is really easy to misjudge the manoeuvre and have to repeat it.

While you are doing this, traffic is generally building up behind you and other drivers are casting aspersions on your upbringing.

Most drivers have three goes at the reverse park and then speed off in embarrassment and frustration.

Nearly always they can find another easier-to-access spot 100m away and just walk to the venue.

This is known as the walk of shame.

Thirsty Cow is fiction. We totally make stuff up every week.

This should not be attempted at home. We are professional bull artists.


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