Angry MAFS mums’ stunning on-air stoush
After weeks of bad behaviour and salacious rumours, the Married At First Sight inmates face the ultimate test on Monday: getting Goggleboxed by their own judgy mums.
Of course it ends in disaster when two of the matriarchs turn on each other and start yelling into their laptop microphones as the Skype video feed glitches.
Finally, a new act in this circus. Roll up, roll up! One night only: MAFS Mums Gone Wild.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: MAFS wife publicly destroys husband
This show has become such a wasteland of toxic behaviour that we should all be wearing hazmat suits.
Chris is upset again with Jaimie (sic). She's still bragging about having a real haircut and a Bachelor of Arts degree. And he's fed up with the way he's being spoken to.
"This morning Jaimie told me the only reason she wrote 'stay' at the commitment ceremony was to save face," he tells us. "And then she told me she had plans for how we were going to exit the experiment. All because she didn't want to admit I wasn't good enough for her. I'm being used. It's just horrible what's going on."
His lip quivers and his dual nose rings clink together as he sniffles and holds back tears. He has two options: Get a new haircut. Or confront his wife.
Like hell he's going to give into the hair shaming.
"Did you or did you not say to me that you wanted me to pretend for another week and to stop being so nice to you because it was making you look like a b**ch?" he asks her, dragging their private conversation out in front of the cameras.
She denies it and tries to confuse him by pulling out all the crafty skills she picked up from the communication units of her much-hyped university degree.
"OK, so now you're a liar," he says, accusing her of playing up for the cameras. "I won't be staying in this room with you. If you're gonna put an act on for the cameras, that's fine. But I don't need to be treated like this. I'm so done with this. I should not put myself in a position where you treat me like this. It's wrong."
He storms out and lumbers down the hallway as his emotions unravel. "She pretends to be a nice person but she's just not a nice person. I don't wanna even see her again. I don't wanna go anywhere near her."
He might not have a university degree, but he does have pride.
"I came here to find what the other couples have. And they seem extremely happy," he sobs.
Oh Chris. They're really not.
Speaking of how unhappy everyone else is, Bec has morphed back into her alter ego - The Sasshole. This means Jake's feelings will get hurt in approximately five, four, three, two …
"You aggressively told me to shut the f**k up," he tells her.
But it's clearly a misunderstanding. Bec has a perfectly good explanation.
"There's a difference between hearing and listening, Jake! Your ears are designed to function and to hear but you don't listen!" she screams.
Mmmhhhmm. Mmhhm. Her argument is watertight.
We need a break from all this toxic energy, so we go next door to Pat and Belinda's.
Hey guys! How are you go-
We promptly leave Pat and Belinda's.
Producers on this show are always looking for new and innovative ways to cause drama for our personal entertainment. And COVID restrictions have got them thinking outside the box. They've decided to contact everyone's mums and show them the footage of the kids being feral at the past three commitment ceremonies. Then they lock each couple in a movie theatre and Skype in both matriarchs onto the big screen so they can scold their new sons- and daughters-in-law for being terrible people.
We arm ourselves with popcorn and frozen coke from the candy bar before rushing into the theatre and swinging our legs up onto the seat in front of us, kicking Bryce in the head.
In a moment that Australia didn't know it needed, Bryce's mum slaps down her own son.
"You're at an age now, Bryce, where enough's enough. You need to stop. In all honesty, I don't know why Melissa's sitting next to you at this point," she shakes her head.
Right on, Bryce's mum!
She also has a few things to say about how Bryce ranked Melissa fourth in the Hot Or Not challenge.
"That's just dumb. If you need to rank her then lie," she spits.
The cameraman cuts to Melissa and she can't believe even their mums know about the Hot Or Not challenge. She just can't catch a break. Everyday, there's a fresh cream pie being flung in her face.
But we didn't come to the movies to watch the re-runs - we came for a show. A spectacle! And Bec's mum Therese gives it to us. It's a truly sensational performance.
Bec starts talking about how, on their wedding day, Jake was looking at her like sex-on-a-stick or a chip-on-a-stick or whatever and Therese launches in.
"That's a big red flag for me, I'm sorry!" she yells as everyone jumps in their seats and grabs their ears to block out the theatre's surround sound. "I heard you went out with the boys instead of staying with Bec. Has that destructive behaviour continued?"
Jake can't believe it. He has been criticised and berated for weeks - and now he's the villain?
His mum Lynne speaks up. If Therese can attack her son, then she can attack Therese's daughter.
"That stunned me. (Bec) Calling him boring. Saying that you (Jake) suck the life from her? Like, what is that?" she says. "You categorised Jake and didn't even give him an opportunity. That hurt me. And seeing him sit there, it's not the Jake I know. You look like you've got the life sucked out of you."
This comment lures The Sasshole back out of its cave.
Therese seems to forget that her Skype camera is on and starts making faces and rolling her eyes.
"I need to cut in here because I'm not happy with that!" she interrupts Lynne, but because of the dodgy Skype connection, there's a delay and Lynne doesn't quite hear.
"I have to cut in here! I. HAVE. TO CUT. IN. HERE. Can I please speak?" Therese yells at her laptop, cementing her status as MAFS Karen.
This is so good and we can't believe we get to experience it on the big screen. We kinda wish it came in 3D with those cardboard glasses.
Therese just starts yelling over everyone and continues to crap on for quite some time but, because the internet connection is terrible and the audio sounds really washed out, everyone just ignores her and starts having their own conversations.
Jake has had it. He has been getting criticised every single day of this experiment. He doesn't need to experience it with surround sound from some random lady who's looming 30 feet above him. Especially without a choc top.
"Hang on Therese, hang on," he cuts her off. "The reality is, I can't be around Bec and her rudeness. I think she's a great person, she's just not for me. I'm out. Seriously, I'm done."
Therese can't believe it. She peers into the tiny camera on her laptop before launching into another rant while the credits roll and the velvet curtains buzz close.
We can't wait for the sequel.
Originally published as Angry MAFS mums' stunning on-air stoush