'Survivalist’ shares best toilet paper alternatives

 

A SURVIVALIST says Gold Coasters crazed about a coronavirus toilet paper famine have plenty of options should they be caught short while on the pot.

In a tongue and cheek chat with the Bulletin, long-time bush craft instructor Innes Larkin has provided a list of the most bottom friendly flora to get you out of a crap situation.

Among his warnings are to stay away from the Sandpaper fig because "using that on your bottom is not going to be a lot of fun".

Toilet paper has been the go-to item at supermarkets as the panicked hype around the coronavirus crisis hits fever pitch. Supermarkets, governments and health authorities say there is no reason for hysteria.

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Innes Larkin co-owner of Mt Barney Lodge.
Innes Larkin co-owner of Mt Barney Lodge.

Mr Larkin has co-owned Mt Barney Lodge in the Scenic Rim for 18 years and said toilet paper would not be at the top of his survival list.

"I think we are very soft in our approach to life which means we have progressed as a society, but these small shocks to our system show our lack of ability to deal with the moment and can cause people to panic.

"In a survival mindset I would actually recommend you look for things you can use in lots of different ways, multiple times - like good tools, knife and plastic bags.
"Toilet paper is a specific tool for a specific reason and there are so many other ways to deal with it."

The lodge runs bushcraft and survival camps that teach students how to live on the bare minimum.

"We haven't seen any major changes due to coronavirus because we are a domestic-focused business."

CORONAVIRUS FEAR SPARKS PANIC BUYING AND WE'RE CONFUSED

Stinging nettle is a major no-no when looking for toilet paper alternatives.
Stinging nettle is a major no-no when looking for toilet paper alternatives.

 

WHAT NOT TO USE:

Milky sap leafs

"Anything that has a milky sap when you pick the leaf is something you will want to avoid. There is a very high potential you could be burning your private parts."

Stinging nettle

"It might sound silly but a stinging nettle is a very soft-looking leaf."

Gympie Gympie plant

"The plant has some of the biggest leaves you can find in the bush so it will seem appealing but it is known as a giant stinging tree. Use that as loo paper and it will last with you for days."

Sandpaper fig

"The leaves are used by indigenous people to sand things, using that on your bottom is not going to be a lot of fun."

Sandpaper fig (Ficus coronata) might be a bit rough on the bum.
Sandpaper fig (Ficus coronata) might be a bit rough on the bum.

 

WHAT TO USE:

Wild Tobacco

"It has a big leaf so you can get multiple uses from the one leaf. It is soft and probably the closest thing to toilet paper you are going to get, but be careful as leaves have a different breaking point to paper."

Fig

"Figs are a classic, they aren't that large and aren't as soft but would do the job."

Mother of Herb

"The plant is in our area and has a really pungent smell which might replace the scented paper. The native plant often comes with a lovely big spray of purple flowers which could disguise your outdoor activities."

Figs might be a good option for those low on bog roll. PICTURE: ZOE PHILLIPS
Figs might be a good option for those low on bog roll. PICTURE: ZOE PHILLIPS


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