The Bachelor’s irreversible mistake
IN A whirlwind week infused with embarrassment and uncertainty, one question loomed across the country: Is Nick Cummins beginning to realise he made a huge mistake by going on The Bachelor?
While Julie Bishop was picking through her brooch collection and dreaming of finally taking her rightful place as queen of our nation, the Honey Badger was in a chokehold and trying to dodge a kiss from a girl he's not into. It's the second time he found himself in this very situation in seven days.
It's highly possible he simply has a very rational fear of cold sores. But his knee-jerk reaction to run far away from these contestants seems to be more an indication that he's just not into this whole shebang and is grappling with the regret of signing up to a reality television show he didn't really know much about.
The Honey Badger is a carefree guy. It'll be a bit of fun, he thought. What has he got to lose? The answer is, everything.
First he lost his shirt and was made to pose in front of cameras on various coastlines and riverbanks. He was then stripped of having any say in who he could date or what he could do.
He hasn't lost his curls yet, but they are looking more compact than usual and there's obviously some kind of serum in there. After one girl labelled him a "prawn", producers will probably make him get rid of the mullet and mo combo in a dramatic and heavily-promo'd transformation episode. And then, what is he left with?
The motivation for people to sign up to The Bachelor is pretty straight forward. Tim Robards and Anna Heinrich were thrilled to submit to the formula and have since enjoyed immense success as a famous Instagram couple. He created a new kind of sit-up and she takes a lot of photos from fabulous destinations.
Sam Wood and Snezana Markoski have happily followed a similar path. Like Tim, Sam claims to have invented exercise.
But Nick Cummins is not like this. He's not interested in developing a line of weight loss shakes or devising a new way of selling cardio on the internet for $29.99 a month.
He's not prepared for the glamorous world of sponsored posts for teeth whitening gel and being papped for the social pages while attending the opening of a new pop-up athleisure boutique.
This heady, complex world of tipping off the Daily Mail with your day-to-day whereabouts and then slamming them in an Instagram caption for writing about you is just too much for him to wrap his head around.
And if you've never slammed a tabloid in a searing Instagram caption, have you even really made it? I don't think Nick Cummins cares if he does.
A decade of torture comes to an end
Given the title of this item, it would seem appropriate to begin with another reference to the latest developments in Australian politics. But it concerns a greater evil. One that has been haunting the globe and free-to-air television schedules for more than a decade.
The mindless product of Chuck Lorre has irritated the world for 11 years. And cries of joy echoed through the streets of Twitter when it was announced the beast will be slayed in 2019.
It's a terrible show and everyone always roll their eyes about it. But then these same millions run home, lock their doors and tune in to yell, 'Bazinga!' at the television.
"Some of the most prominent members [of cults] are highly educated individuals often with multiple college degrees," Raphael Aron, director and counsellor of Cult Consulting Australia, told me recently for a completely unrelated story but I feel this fact is absolutely relevant here.
The fight isn't over. We still have to endure a whole final season. But suffering is tolerable if you can see the light.
How to tell if you're an old person
A tiny reference to old people's penchant for unnecessarily using the word "the" - the Kmart, the Facebook - in last week's column resulted in several annoyed emails from old people refuting my claims, so it's only appropriate an entire story is dedicated to the elderly.
Those of a certain age would not have recognised a soul as the world's hottest stars streamed into the MTV VMAs this week. And that's not an insult. I too barely recognised the people on stage.
The ceremony proved a long-held theory that you know you're getting old when the only celebrities you recognise at award shows are the ones receiving the Old Person Award - officially known as the Lifetime Achievement Award. And you know you're nearing triple digits when the only people you recognise are in the Dead People Reel.
JLo wasn't in the Dead People Reel but she did receive the Old Person Award. And as the 49-year-old accepted the gong, I couldn't help but wonder: In just a few years, when she's 100, it's going to be super fun calling a really old person JLo.
Why Australia can't have nice things
Australia has a way of terrorising celebrities and making them regret ever coming to our shores. We don't know why we're like this. We just like causing drama.
Pink copped it this month when she cancelled a few shows and was hospitalised after suffering extreme gastro. Not having a bar of her excuses, we nationally shamed her for not just finding a way to incorporate her intravenous drip into her acrobatic routine.
Not satisfied, we all then followed her down to Bondi and berated her for daring to go to the beach after she claimed to be sick. There's no doubt she has developed a mild distaste for Australia.
It's a feeling that probably grew this week when her husband, motocross champion Carey Hart, joined her on her Brisbane tour. Of course, we found something to shame him for.
Some lady accosted him at a Caltex and publicly humiliated him for using a mobile phone while filling up his car.
The experience left him shaken.
"What the hell is wrong with people??????" he asked us on Instagram.
We honestly don't know. But Pink's tour will keep her captive on our shores until mid-September. There's probably about three more public shamings to come.