POLLIE TICKLED: John's a shoe-in for Backhander Award
Time for some awards, starting with Bennelong by-election winner John Alexander, who used to be a tennis star. Giving his victory speech with Malcolm Turnbull beside him, Alexander told the world about the back injury that wrecked his career: "The doctor at the time said, 'You have eligibility for a disabled sticker.' I said, 'I still have some pride.' That was before I entered politics!”
For belittling people who already have enough to cope with, you get the Backhander Award. And despite that back injury you managed to plant a large tennis shoe in your mouth and that earns you the Agility Award.
Next in line is Eddie Obeid, Labor's long-term powerbroker now doing time for overuse of power and too much broking of his family's interests.
He managed to raise his unelectable head in Bennelong - with a lot of help from the Liberals.
Obeid takes out the Ongoing Damage award that NSW Labor seems to have a permanent hold on.
They could clean up their act, but no factory farm could raise flying pigs fast enough to meet that demand.
When all else fails, throw a smart attractive woman at the electorate and hope she'll stick. So the Rebound Award goes to Kristina Keneally for magically appearing in her party's moment of need.
Obeid used the tactic when he made her premier in the dying days of that stinking NSW Labor government. It was the worst election result the party had had. Would have been far worse if they hadn't put her in, but they did and she is forever tainted.
Keneally is likely to also take out the Parachute Award when Sam Dastyari finally leaves Federal Parliament and the Labor machine hits full speed.
Labor's at the pub at the moment, pointing fingers and throwing darts at each other. They could cross the road and go to Political School, but they prefer to wag it.
Even more scary, they could ask voters what the problem is.
After the success in Bennelong, Turnbull is in the running for the Gina Hancock Award as he scrabbles in the dirt looking for any Dastyari-grade muck to sabotage Labor candidates at next year's by-elections. But Sams are few and far between. As is the information that brought Sam down.
Donald Trump snatched the Dark Ages Award after he banned seven words from official budget documents.
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention staff told The Washington Post they are being told to stop using "diversity”, "fetus”, "transgender”, "vulnerable”, "entitlement”, "science-based” and "evidence-based”.
The US federal agency is one of the world's leading public health institutes.
Instead of "evidence-based” an analyst is allowed to say "CDC bases recommendations on science in consideration with community standards and wishes”.
Great, let's all vote on whether this or that is good science in our community.
Who needs scientific method? We'll Facebook and Twitter it. Should be fun addressing the next Zika or similar outbreak.
And the Business As Usual Award goes to Catholic Church leaders who dismissed calls from the royal commission into child sexual abuse to end the secrecy of confession.
Secrecy works - just ask any victim or royal commissioner.
Pollie tickled is a satirical column