Dinner in a tin and pet rocks: presents guide for Grinches
THAT miserable season is upon us again, all baubles and carols and jolly fat trespassers wedging their flabby guts down chimneys - it's enough to turn your fur green.
If the above rant sounds reasonable to you, read on . . . but first, see a doctor about that green fur situation immediately.
'Tis the season to be obligated to regale our loved ones with material evidence of our affection.
There's no escaping it - but there are a few products out there that allow you to carry out your passive aggressive Grinch protest, while still technically counting as presents. Technically.
They're not all cheap, especially for what you get.
But they are all, in their own special way, appalling gifts.
Someone is actually making money off this tripe, which brings us to our first product . . .
Can't shake those no-hoper kids who expect a nine-course meal to materialise out of thing air every December 25?
This canned monstrosity has you covered.
The Christmas Tinner actually exists - we checked, but didn't go as far as buying or tasting it - and incorporates nine congealed layers of the stuff Christmas nightmares are made from.
The adventurous (or masochistic) diner peels back the lid and starts off with bacon and eggs, before working through levels of mince pie, turkey and potatoes, gravy and bread and cranberry sauces.
If he has not yet keeled over to seriously re-think the direction his life has taken, the diner rounds off his meal with Brussels sprouts, roast vegetables and a cleansing dose of tinned Christmas pudding.
SATISFACTION LEVEL: On par with licking a non-psychedelic toad.
PITBULL MAN COLOGNE
For those unfamiliar with Pitbull, he is the baldest and arguably worst rapper poisoning the airwaves today (men's mag GQ were more generous, rating him ninth-worst).
The Cuban-American jester has spouted off such informed lyrics as "give credit where credit is due/know that I don't give a number two" and "I'm go go baby, fresh oh baby, go go baby, uh oh baby, no no baby/yeah yeah baby, now jiggle it baby".
Following in the footsteps of other hip hop stars like P Diddy, Pitbull has now released his own fragrance.
If you want to smell like this guy, go right ahead.
But if he smells as cheesy as he sounds, I'm out.
SATISFACTION LEVEL: You would be better off rolling around in a bed of pungent Gouda.
BOX OF NOTHING
This one is fairly flagrant, so it's probably best to make sure the recipient has a good sense of humour before risking it.
The name on the box pretty well sums it up - "Nothing: for the person who has everything".
It's the next logical incarnation of the age-old "five cent coin in a jewellery box" caper.
An attractive, well-designed piece of cardboard with a hemisphere of entombed Chinese factory air.
SATISFACTION LEVEL: A sure-fire pathway to divorce.
AMAZING EGG CUBER
Listed on Amazon.com with a recommended retail price of $77, this ingenious gadget is a bargain this holiday season with a sale price tag of just $12.99.
Is your loved one tired of boring old egg-shaped eggs?
Have they always wanted to stack a few hard-boileds into an alluring breakfast tower?
This clever product is for them - just boil an egg, shell it, pop it in the cuber and leave it to cool in the fridge.
You will have a meal fit for an obsessive compulsive king in next to no time.
SATISFACTION LEVEL: Gee, thanks dad. It's just what I wanted . . .
USB PET ROCK
Stop drooling on the carpet or you will be replaced, Fido.
The title of man's best friend has a new contender with this inspired creation - a pet rock with a USB connection that serves absolutely no function whatsoever.
But it's tidy, doesn't leave a mess and hardly ever needs to visit the vet.
You won't find a more loyal pet for $7.99.
It might take some shopping around, though - Thinkgeek.com has already sold out.
SATISFACTION LEVEL: Stone-cold hostility.
BUTT ACNE CLEARING LOTION
If you really want to offend someone, this overpriced posterior pimple cream might be just the ticket.
It is basically normal acne lotion mixed with homeopathic liquids (just water) and sells for US$32.99 for a 118mL bottle.
The online advertisement boasts it "starts clearing up butt breakouts in just 24 hours".
SATISFACTION LEVEL: You're sleeping on the couch, Darryl.
It is a sign of the times when even the bare backside of a rubbish bin is able to cause offence, but we don't make the rules.
Thankfully, the embarrassment of having depraved neighbours ogle your unintentionally seductive trash receptacle is a thing of the past.
Enter the Garbage Pantz - stylish plastic sleeves you can pull over your bin to give it a pair of trousers.
They come in a range of designs from stone-washed denim to military camouflage and boast the "finest-quality, stretchy, durable outdoor material" in case your bin puts on weight over Christmas.
SATISFACTION LEVEL: I give up. Wake me for the Boxing Day test match.
Researchers interviewed 1000 Sydneysiders to find out how they felt about Christmas shopping.
The verdict was not great:
- Two-thirds of shoppers said they felt no Christmas cheer while buying gifts
- 37% said they felt angry, stressed or overwhelmed while Christmas shopping
- When looking for a specific item, half of shoppers just wandered around until they found it instead of asking for help
- The top three bugbears were:
- weaving through crowds (56%);
- carrying heavy bags (13%); and
- >finding their way through shopping centres (13%)