THE Federal Government has declared victory in the war on asylum seekers after finding an excuse to lock them up somewhere else.
Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said the issue could now be considered closed after a committee recommended that budding refugees be locked up at Nauru and Papua New Guinea instead of the Australian desert.
"I have been looking for a way to back down on my opposition to Nauru and now I have found it," she said. "I don't consider this a political loss but a victory for ordinary Australians who don't want a country full of foreigners."
Opposition Leader Tony Abshot said he planned to look smug for at least three days after the government backed down on its opposition to Nauru.
"I'm so chuffed that I might personally travel to Nauru and lock these people up," he said.
"Once again we can be seen on the world stage as a kick-arse country that refuses to let oppressed people take advantage of our generosity.
"We may not win many gold medals any more but by gosh we can still detain people who arrive on boats."
Ms Gizzard said children would not be detained if they could prove they were children.
She said genuine refugees had nothing to fear from the new policy except being locked up for a year and possibly going insane.
"We can certainly guarantee that we won't make them endure anything much worse than they had to put up with in their home countries," she said.
"And hopefully the children will learn valuable lessons about not getting into boats with strangers."
The Prime Minister earlier was forced to back down on sending asylum seekers to Malaysia after it was revealed that the country had not signed a piece of paper from the United Nations.
She said the new policy would be backed up by a YouTube video telling refugees what a terrible country Australia could be.
"We are hoping this might deter them," she said.
"Of course we are hoping it won't deter tourists. Naturally we will continue to welcome people with actual money prepared to buy souvenir koalas and fake boomerangs."
The government would also initiate talks with Indonesia to create laws insisting that people-smuggling boats be painted olive green and marked with stark warnings, including pictures of Tony Abshot wearing Speedos and holding the key to a detention centre at Nauru.
The Greens said the policy would result in deaths and more human misery. But everybody ignores the Greens.
Thirsty Cow is fiction.