Stampede is no bull
THE United Nations declared the first official famine in Africa for 30 years this week. Not that this exceptionally sad news is likely to bother American mother of two Donna Simpson.
Put simply, Donna is a glutton with a greed for fame and a stomach-turning appetite that she exploits by charging bozos to watch her scoff.
Already in the record books as the fattest woman ever to give birth, the 44-year-old is on a quest to become the fattest woman in the world. Incredibly she is earning $90,000 a year from fans who watch her eat online.
Donna, from New Jersey, can hardly walk but she certainly can eat - hungrily chomping her way through at least 15,000 calories a day - paid for by people who are charged $20 a month to view her stuffing her face with burgers, fries, pizza and cake.
She currently weighs 317 kilos and her target is 458. Maybe she'll burst.
And while we're on the subject of stupid women, Austrian Petra Lang had to be rescued from Lake Grundlsee this week after driving her van straight into it.
She told the authorities that she had typed the lake into her sat nav as an intended destination and was simply following orders. The Austrians have a history of using that as an excuse.
Now before you conclude I'm a sexist, here's a heart-warming tale about a very silly man who got exactly what he deserved during the famous running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain.
To the delight of onlookers our hero - who was entirely naked except for a red scarf - was singled out by an angry bull among a sea of people. The discerning bovine picked-up the attention-seeking idiot, gored him and trampled on him.
Sadly for animal lovers the streaker's injuries were not too serious and he was able to walk away from his ordeal.
The good news is that he was immediately arrested and charged with causing a public disturbance.
Speaking of brave men, police in Altendena, near Los Angeles, are looking for two heavily armed and scary looking dudes who burst into a tobacco store demanding cash.
With their black hooded jackets and brandishing rifles they must have been a frightening sight.
But when the store's owner understandably bowed to their request and started to hand over money from his till, his trusty chihuahua turned ugly.
The diminutive pet, named Paco, began to bark frenetically and refused to be intimidated by the raiders.
When one of them pointed the gun at the tiny dog it got really angry and chased the men out of the shop and down the street.
Cops have video footage of the incident and when they stop laughing, they'll start looking.
Finally we stay in Los Angeles where this weekend residents are being offered possibly the cheapest flights ever advertised.
People can pay just $4 to travel the 54 kilometres between Long Beach and Burbank in about 20 minutes.
Jet Blue Airways is cashing-in on roadworks to a section of a major freeway that is expected to bring the city traffic to a standstill.
All the available flights sold out within four hours.
Alternative Universe is a weekly humour column.