Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

Welfare warfare erupts

BOTH sides of politics have declared war on welfare after they got bored talking about carbon tax and natural disasters.

Political parties declare war on welfare about every four months as part of an ongoing strategy to deflect attention from other issues.

Welfare crackdowns allow leaders to act tough and assure taxpayers that their money will be spent wisely.

The crackdowns are reinforced by footage released to current affairs programs showing people collecting disability payments while they are bench pressing tractors and climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. These are accompanied by interviews with politicians and bureaucrats looking worried and outraged.

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said she would use the May budget to make sure all Australians pulled their weight and "got off their a***s".

"I think there are lots of Australians on welfare who really should be working," she said. "For example, I saw a man sitting on a bench feeding some bread to pigeons. I think he should be working. Or he may have been on a lunch break."

Ms Gizzard said if she could not get more people into the workforce we wouldn't have enough people to support the ageing population. If this happened, the elderly would have to be rounded up and put in detention centres. This would lead to overcrowding and widespread grumpiness.

Ms Gizzard said the minerals boom gave Australia an unprecedented opportunity to put people into work.

"Anyone can break rock with a mallet, drive a 300-tonne truck or set dynamite," she said. "I call on all welfare recipients to don helmets and head for the pits to dig up everything they can find and send it to China."

Ms Gizzard said she learnt in her parents' home that everyone should do their bit, take turns at the washing up and visit grandparents at least once a month. Keeping your room tidy and taking out the trash was also considered favourably.

"If we continue to spend on welfare at the current rate, eventually everyone will be on welfare, leaving just one man to do all the work," she said. "I believe his name is Charlie."

Opposition Treasury spokesman Joe Hockey said the welfare crackdown would be like "pink batts all over again".

"Before you know it we will be building school tuckshops too small to swing a cockroach, setting homes on fire and destroying everyone's rights to lose the grocery money on the pokies," he said.

Mr Hockey said the coalition would be much tougher on welfare.

"We will have film crews on every street corner following disabled people and capturing any hint that they might be enjoying life," he said. "We will also heckle them."



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